So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
