M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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