Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
