were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
