One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
