A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
