I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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