I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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