I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
