No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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