I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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