Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
