Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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