I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
