I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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