New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
