Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So vagazzling was a success
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
