Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
