Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
