Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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