Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
