Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
