Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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