Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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