Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
