when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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