We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
