I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
