I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How does it feel to date your dad?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
