Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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