Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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