two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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