So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
