This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
