Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
