i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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