If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
