I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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