I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
