She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
4 words: hood of his car
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
