just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
