i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
