Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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