so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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