This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
