I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
