God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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