so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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