a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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