I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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