i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
